(To those easily offended by juvenile toilet humor, please read on, as I will so enjoy the shock and outrage you vent on my comments…you've been warned!)
So, I'm slowly becoming aware of a new holiday tradition. It starts roughly 3-4 days after I come back to the E.S.H. in December. Never other times, like the last time I was back for my sister's wedding. Just in December.
I've taken to referring to this tradition as "The Yule Logs".
Basically, couple of days after I get home, I start dropping tree-trucks in the can. I mean huge! HUGE! Coiled in the bowl like the rare Corn-backed Constrictor. Shits so unimaginably big that one is afraid to flush them for fear of making them angry, let alone fear of causing an unbelievably horrific plumbing fiasco. Poop of such prodigious size that one performs a little involuntary hop when standing up from the throne because you suddenly weigh so much less your leg muscles overcompensate!
What the exactafuck is going on here? I mean, it's not like Yankee Chow is renowned for its high fiber content and ease of digestion!
I have my theories of course. One is that whenever I come back, I start scarfing Altoids© The Curiously Strong Mints, which apparently contain Sorbitol, which apparently causes excessive poop.
So I have my sparkling fresh breathe to blame for my overactive ass.
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