Best of my old blog #7 My career as a lust object

Interesting day today.

I started things off by not going to work. After yesterday's tummy-aches, headaches, twitches and stomach flips, I decided that I better off taking a little me time, even if it meant dealing with my self-inflicted home-from-work guilt.

Despite guilt, despite the nigh-overwhelming urge to clean the kitchen and do laundry, run to the bank, run to the Social Services offices (which are always closed whenever I have any free time) and generally appease the guilt by making productive use of the day, I persevered and managed to spend the hours between waking up and now doing absolutely nothing but chatting on MSN.

(I know, I know, I recently vowed to cut down on that, and I have after work and such, but I figured a sick/lazy day means I can do as I like.)

The chatting was not only entertaining but rather enlightening. Entertaining because it was an old and dear friend I was chatting with, one that will shortly be coming to the Lava Lump (aka Iceland), and she is always fun to chat with. Enlightening because it led to the realization that if I was an even remotely attractive woman, I'd probably be working in the "porn" industry.

What's that I hear out there? Gasps and groans and general "wtf"-ness from my legions of adoring sweaty blogodytes?*

Well, see, she is planning on staying here for a bit, but, thanks to her rather international life style, she'll have a bitch of time getting a work permit for any "normal" job. SO I mentioned, in all seriousness, the option that she try to find some modeling work.

Now, my sweet little friend does not look like a "model". She's tiny, for starters, even by Asian standards. But she also happens to be the single most photogenic person I have ever met. There has, quite simply, never been a bad picture taken of her. Basically, she's perfect for photographic modeling.

She liked this idea, so we began to try hitting Icelandic web-sites to find her a gig.

No luck. None at all. There is simply not an agency in all of Iceland looking for models that are not taller than, say, me. And I'm 180cm/5'11", meaning that they are looking for stick thin (which my friend is, admittedly, although she comes by it naturally, sans enemas, puking, or starvation) Amazons.

Until we came across ">this .

For those of you who don't speak Icelandic, it's an ad from a local adult entertainment business looking for models for short erotic videos. They go on and on about it not being "porn" so I'm inclined to take their word for it.

Anyway, if you get hired, you go in, roll around a set for a bit, either scantily clad or full-on nekkid, whichever floats your proverbial boat, then consult with the film-crew over the editing (no shots you don't approve) and then four hours later, BAMM! 100,000ISK in your pocket and 50% of the take on the pay-for-play video on the website.

My friend kinda laughed it off. Not her cup of kink, apparently. I, on the other hand, was just jealous. I can't even begin to imagine getting paid that much money for that little effort! I'd jump at that opportunity so fast there'd be sonic boom.

This same company routinely pays women 20,000ISK to make recordings of themselves reading prepared scripts. Yet another opportunity I would jump at, but to my knowledge, only one of my perpetually broke-ass friends has ever taken advantage of the phone-sex gravy train.

I don't get it. I really don't. I'm jealous as hell of people who could make a quick buck (I'm not talking about making a career of it, mind) off something like this.

I've bought this up with friends before, and the general response, from those not of the "Sex makes the baby Jesus cry" persuasion is that they'd be too embarrassed. "Oh God! What if someone went on there and heard/saw me!" seems to sum it up.

Which I don't get. I mean, which is more embarrassing, the fact that you were ballsy enough to put yourself out there (even in quasi-anonymity like with the readings) or the fact that you're paying money to listen to women read stories about sex you're obviously not having?

So I'm jealous of people who have these opportunities, but don't take them. I mean, I can't do that sort of thing. Not because I'm shy. I'm not. Nor because I have some sort of moral objection to it. Simply because the only facets of the adult entertainment industry that would hire me would be something along the lines of "Middle Aged Bear Monthly" or "Hairy Beast". In other words, something that's less than likely to pay well, and very likely run by some guy with a sack full of roofies and a can of Crisco© in his van.

If I wanted that, then I'd just go to one of the bars down by the harbor.

Other than despairing at my thwarted career as a soft-core porn star, the only other thing I've gotten up to today is walking a few blocks through the sadly melting snow to make soup for and generally coddle the Eidles, who has recently had the Evil Tonsils of Infected Doom removed. She seems to be recovering nicely, and as television has stopped hating us, I think I'll take this opportunity to end this silly thing for the time being. See y'all tomorrow…

*I know there are actually no more than two or three of you, but humor me, my ego is in ruins after I realized that no one will pay to look at me nekkid.